It's been awhile since I have felt the need to actually sit down and write something. Any Time I did write anyway, I couldn't finish or it would just, suck.

Now, another school year has started. A half a semester has passed. I got my report card yesterday. My Average is 68.8 (so close to 69, lol). I am passing everything, and two of my teacher think I am a genius. But two (sci, comp. tech) think that I don't apply myself enough, and dislike me. (thus the 50's marks.)

I discovered my favorite teacher. My civics teacher, whom is the head of the history dept. He actually think and he gives things to us right out. He's even told every one to just "fuck off" before (well...a few times) He Is very passionate, about the world, and people. But since the half semester is over I now have a Mrs..... for career studies. wondrous, a half a semester of  personality test telling me what I already know. 

But, I am still happy because I get my favorite teacher back next semester for history. I will also be taking classes that he will be teaching in the future, like world Religions, and Canada: history and politics since '45 (a debating course). He seems to never want me to leave the history dept.

I have been through a bit of heart break though. James and I are finished, once again. He was rid of me a month ago or so. Then I managed to piss him off real good, and he isn't interested in talking to me at all. An end to a long lived romance. The hurts will not go away, but I know I don't want "us" back. Cause the same thing will happen as always, and I will be left in the same wreck. I am better day by day. It's just the hurt of someone you loved) so much not loving you anymore hurts. He was a summer love, I don't think we were meant to carry on into the winter, the school thing was too much for him. 

I don't like Keswick, at all. I don't like the 500 kids + navy blue Catholics parading the halls of the school. I like 2000 kids at Sutton. I liked Sutton. It almost feels like public school again. Knowing almost every person whom walks by you and knowing almost every person who walks by you loathes you. It hurts. so I just sit. during science I always cry. During my two tech classes in the morning, I don't say much. Last period I speak my mind and get laughed at, quietly. When I am talking I am looking happy, too many people question me if I look upset in such a small school. 

I am run out of options again. I have to find another way to feel. To feel the way I really do feel. Instead of the bloody mask again. It's back. It just keeps coming back, and I hate it.  It just keeps sneaking up on me and I don't even know until afterward that it is back. 

I am being referred for counseling. Still waiting for the appointment though, Nov. 23 I believe. I am not afraid of it anymore. all I want to do is be able to deal with things a little bit. to not feel like I want to cry even when I am smiling. 

I don't know if Ryan will ever be at this site again, or if he's going to read this, but I feel bad for you and  the way your life is going to be. You've dropped out of school, and all you ever do is smoke weed and get drunk (I don't even want to know what else your doing.) Your daddy is giving you a job and pushing you through life, like always. your going to have hand outs your whole life. It makes me sad because I know that you can be a lot more. I know that you are very smart, hen your interested. Now you've chosen to ruin your life. Your a special person in my heart, and I hate the way you are now. Especially when you kept inviting ME to go get high with you. 

I feel so amazingly sad for mike, he lost his mom. I don't even know if he wants me talking about this here, but I will respect him and remove it if he wishes. I love you to bits mikey, and I am here for you, I don't know if I could be as strong as you in the same position.

The mask hurts, it is the bottle. I hate bottling things up and not knowing it, again. It had stopped during the summer, but school does that to me. A lack of people to trust does it to me. It's harder and harder for me to talk to people about anything real. I used to be so much more open.  I wish I was like that again, there was a loss of innocence.