Mindless Inane chatter! I come here to this this place, and they sit here inside and chatter and gossip about nothing:

"how's the traffic?"

"ouch, my legs/back/ass etc.. hurt..."

My grandparents moved up here because of the amazing beauty, and they seem to be blind to it now. I get stuck coming here for like a pointless day every few weeks under the guilt trip that

"...your grandparents aren't going to be around much longer..."

Which isn't true. Even my mom admitted (once) that they both have a few decades left in them. They have their health problems, but they are under control.  So, if I miss a few weekends here and there, honestly I don't think anyone should care.

I think what bothers me is that there is no one here to talk to, and even less privacy than at home, all in the middle of nowhere.

Still, the beauty overwhelms. I love to lie on the dock/deck thingy and stare into nothingness. But in that I see everything and it clears my head, helps me feel again. It helps the numbness melt away for a while. I cry for everything, and I cry for the star streaks and the constellations. I cry for every animals call into space. I cry for the ripples in the water, the wind blowing in the tree branches, and the fire 10 ft. away from me.

It's always the same now...

I start by lighting the campfire. then stare in the mesmerizing flames for an hour or two. Then when the tears start to come, I move the the dock/deck thingy, and cry as I watch the stars and hear the sounds. I calm myself down. eventually I go inside to fret and rot. I awake the next morning in the low point of a "slump" and I am depressed for a week. I just wallow in my own self-loathing, and I hide away ever secret. No one knows about anything in my life except like 2 people. Which are the only people left who I trust.

But again I managed to turn 'the cottage' into my own self-pitty...Everything turns around like that. My ego takes over, and I can't do anything.

I guess that is another to add to my list of fears

- Loss of control -