Sitting Around

 

    I am beginning to wonder what the hell is the point in life? Why are we here leading insignificant lives? Why? We over populate and destroy the formerly beautiful earth. And now we are hunting down other plains to destroy. Humans are vile awful people. They never stop and think we don't really need any of this stupid shit. We don't need anything. We are animals!! We aren't supreme overlords. We have claimed the lands for ourselves. There was NO democracy there. It was simply taken and used up. Mother nature had no say in that neither did the trees that were here before the subdivisions, or the animals that lived in them. Humans are home wreckers. They don't care about anything. We have even begun the destruction of space by leaving everything behind when we go there to explore. We are 100000000000000000000's of times smaller than an atom compared to the universe. We are nothing, we are scum. We waste away our pitiful lives accomplishing nothing.

    Even if I were to put aside how insignificant the human race is. I could go on for hours about how stupid we are. All the government is, is a puppet that keeps the ignorant masses happy. Now for the 2% that have brains, we realize this and, there for look for a new form of government or no government for that matter. People don't really care what they are doing. They think they are leading very important lives that are making a difference, or may be they just don't even think about what they are doing they just want to keep going and not die. And so people only think of them selves and, again, they procreate like horny rabbits. There for over populating which increases demand for housing and food and money and ruining the precious earth. Then there is the damned media who tells us what to do, what to look like, how to think, what to be like, and how pathetic we are because we aren't as beautiful as they are. Which brings me to the definition of beauty, there is no beauty, everyone is everyone, and we are all people, and a certain body type does not change that, and no matter how corny it is, it IS what's inside that counts. Just because you buy your clothing at the fucking gap, you won't be beautiful... no one is "cool"! Being an individual makes you whole, it makes you a person and nothing else does.  But still when everyone says your so ugly it hurts, knowing you aren't anywhere remotely close to beautiful. Because you always want expectance no matter how fake it is.

        What is so interesting about being the same as everyone else? Doesn’t that get boring? Life is always better when, well, it's not normal. When there is variety isn't life better? Which brings me to gossip. Every body does it guy’s girls of every age and I really don't think there are any exceptions. But when this gossip turns into some sort of scandal most people love it (and I KNOW there are exceptions to that I know people WHO HATE THAT KIND OF THING). People yell and scream about how someone fucked someone else when they were still going out with so and so and then so and so killed a monkey. You know the normal stuff. My point is no one really knows what they are talking about. Everyone wants a jump out of the same ol' same ol' routine. But you wouldn't be stuck in that rut if you weren't so intent on fitting in to the crowd.

               I think I learned too soon in life that almost everything anyone has ever said is a lie in some way. I don't know how to trust. I put faith in very little (if this hasn't been a testament to than then nothing is). I really don't understand what’s wrong with drugs and things. Because I don't care if I wreck my body, I want to die anyway. So therefore I don't care when I go out and drink myself silly. Because if my liver explodes from filtering out all the shit that's is poured into my body I will die knowing it probably wasn't from the booze it was probably poisoning from the Georgina drinking water.

               No one really pays any attention anyway. They tell me that they care and all that shit but I am sure that they don't because if they really cared then they would know why I am the way I am. Because I don't think that there is another soul on this planet that I have outlined all the reasons I am depressed and angry too. And no one has really WANTED to know. If they were that worried and that curious then they would find a way to get it out of me other than the sentence "what's wrong Kelly?" and leaving when I won't tell them, because they don't seem deserving to know. I also haven't found someone trustworthy enough. I may want to die but; I haven't brought myself to it yet so there must be something holding me back and I intend to find out what that is; and I don't want to live out my days in the loony bin.  Because I am sane and everyone else is not. But now it's time for me to burst, or at least the info that I am ABLE to publish, I do keep promises even to people I despise sometimes. SO I tell what I can.

               I live in a house where I am sheltered from daylight and the world, I am held back so that I am unable to make mistakes to learn from. I lack experience in life because of that also. My parents don't want me to ruin my life the way they ruined theirs, they want my life to be their dream, and I am not a person to them I am a vessel for their vision of what they wanted to be. SO I can't make decisions for myself, I can't be a person, because I am them, not me. They want me to be beautiful and take off the black clothes and turn off the loud depressing music. Because they don't like it and that's what matters. They want me to listen to all the hot preppy pop music. So I can fit into the crowd that they never could. They think I am stupid ignorant and totally unable to think for myself because I am 14. I am smarter than the average adult is, or so I have been told. I do know for a fact that I pay more attention than the average adult does though. Therefore I know what's going on in my surroundings and I actually care about things

               People think I am their dumping ground. They see some one who is a little open and slightly friendly and they think 'ohmygawd they can take care of all my problems and make them go away!' (Or at least they have to be thinking something similar to that). Then they come to me and naturally I try to help and comfort them. Which has gotten me into the most horrible situations. It's also gets me dealing with grief and anguish that I really don't have to. I am dealing with someone else's problems. I am tying up all the loose ends on their perfect existence. Most people can't handle even the slightest bump in the road, so they pass it on to me, or someone close to me who then passes it on to me. That is another reason that I never let people know why I am the way I am. I don't want to cause them the grief and pain of dealing with someone else’s problems. This is also intruding on me making new friends and things. I don't like to get people too close to me. I don't want more hurt and stuff. I don't want them to get to me. And there are only a few people I let in and only a few who I want to deep down get to me, but I will try forever to make sure that never happens. 

               Somewhere along the line I learnt who my parents really were. I can't say how or why or anything, again another promise. But I learned their true nature. They hate and they lie (non-stop) and they do everything they tell me not to do. I mean, like everything. It's like "don't drink!!" my mom will say as she sips her vodka. They abuse me, not in a very physical way, but to me it's a light verbal abuse. But still I can only hear someone say something about me so much until I start to believe it. That’s why I know I am stupid and ugly. And I, now agree and take it in stride when someone insults me, I am so god-damned used to it I have stop caring and that they are saying it because it's true, I am a bitch (and that I am proud of). Being happy all the time just doesn't work. people think of you as a thing that they can take over and screw-over. they think that you don't think. and I really don't understand it. I think it is just human nature to just want to see other people suffer. Sadly I don't se ANYTHING proving me wrong on that point. And that is very sad. I fell like I can never express myself the way I  want to. there is always someone trying to censor me, even myself sometimes.  And when I fell like it is really bottled up I swear I feel like I am going to vomit, my feelings literally fill-up my body and I have to just throw it all up, and it because I always feel censored in someway. lately I just want to sit and have a good cry. I don't care what it looks like I am crying over I just want to cry and cry and cry. that would also serve as a way for my feelings to flow out.  My emotions rule my life now. I can't be feeling less. I never really have been able to but now it's even harder to be. The only emotion I think doesn't effect me as much would be embarrassment. It has gotten a hell of a lot harder for me to embarrass myself or for other people to embarrass me. It just seems weird to me. because I used to be embarrassed to do ANYTHING. I also used to be afraid of everything, the dark, monsters, people, freaks (of any type), boys (YUCKY!!), old people (that hasn't changed THAT much), Hairy middle aged men (don't ask), my cousin (long story, that I really don't feel comfortable sharing), everyone except me mommy and daddy, now in a way it has reversed, strangely.