I sit here and I think, I have gone through so many stages and phases and relationships in the past year, I have had ruin, I have fallen in love, I have had so much…….experience. I feel so little still despite it. I always seem to run back to things, old things have comfort, but past people that you still have that comfort around, is hard to find. You feel an electric comfort, a lovely familiar feeling, a love unbroken by hate and time and people. But I am still afraid of love, what if I am in love with the idea of love? Or being loved? I feel so completely empty sometimes, and still I want to shout and let something out, possibly the emptiness……. I don’t want to forget, I want to remember every moment’s beauty and tranquility, because every moment has a bit, it’s always hidden. I will always deny how I feel for a while, but eventually I will admit, and accept within myself. But have to pour my self out on someone in order to feel. Just to feel it, I have to say it, and cry about it, I can’t always think on my own. I don’t want anyone to leave me now... I want a beautiful bouquet of flower delivered to my door that will chase every problem away. I want people to be perfect.

And I get into the scattered rambling of what I want to be and that I cannot be it. But I forget what I have and what I can be, what I can create, what I can nurture.